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“Here We Go Again, Don’tcha Know?” FARGO Episode 1 Review- ‘The Crocodile’s Dilemma’

Fargo The Crocodile's Dilemma Billy Bob Thornton Martin Freeman

These opening paragraphs are safe from spoilers. A bright, blinking warning will arise before I do anything that will make any of you hate me.

There’s a poster on the wall of down-on-his-luck insurance salesman Lester Nygaard’s basement in FX’s new miniseries Fargo, obviously based off of the amazing movie of the same name. It’s a cookie cutter inspirational poster depicting a school of yellow fish swimming in one direction, and a single red fish in the middle swimming the opposite way. In bold type it says, “What If You’re Right, and They’re Wrong?” It’s exactly the sort of thing you’d find on the walls of a third grade classroom, next to a gorilla who tells you to read books and beneath the banner of cursive letters that stretches across the top of the classroom that you’d study religiously for weeks only to never use again. Lester (Martin Freeman in a damn fine performance) desperately wants to be the red fish, even if he is anything but. He wants the entire world that continues to beat him down to wake up to the fact that he is the red fish, who has been doing everything right. But he’s just another yellow fish that isn’t very good at anything. Read more…

“The Gross, Pukey Green Wedding,” GAME OF THRONES Season 4 Episode 2 Review- ‘The Lion and the Rose’

game of thrones season 4 episode 2 the lion and the rose joffrey margaery

This review is littered with spoilers that the Internet will probably have ruined for you by the time you eat breakfast on Monday morning. It is also written from the point of view of someone who has not read the books. If you have any spoilers you would like to share, don’t.

There’s a lot to talk about tonight, but all anybody is going to be discussing tomorrow is Joffrey. As he shuffled off this mortal stick up his ass and made his way to the Great Midget Fight in the Sky, I could almost hear the echoing calls of millions of Game of Thrones fans elating into the night. It might just be the single biggest cause for celebration since V-J Day.

But “The Lion and the Rose” was so stuffed with really good stuff that it’d be a shame for this review to only comment on Joffrey’s always-inevitable but much-fantasized downfall. Hell, that’s half the reason why I divide these reviews into sections, so that I can give every aspect of the show its due. That should prove particularly tricky tonight, as the vast majority of the episode takes place at the wedding reception of Joffrey, of House Baratheon and House Lannister, and Margaery Tyrell, of House Tyrell (which raises more than a couple questions about her lineage, but I’ve sort of just stopped asking questions about bloodlines as far as royalty is concerned, real or fictional). To keep things interesting (and short winded), I’m going to subdivide the events at King’s Landing tonight into a few different, smaller sections, and, by the end of this review, announce this week’s winner. But first… Read more…

“The Red Honeymoon,” GAME OF THRONES Season 4 Episode 1 Review- ‘Two Swords’

Game of Thrones Two Swords Daenerys Dragon

This review is rife with White Walking Spoilers, slowly, slooooooowly shambling toward you. Also, this is written from the point of view of someone who has not read the books, so please refrain from both spoiling future events/ telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about because I bet there’s at least one book out there that you haven’t read and I can rub my intimate knowledge of Pride and Prejudice right in your face.

Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back!

As I’m sure your Facebook has made you aware, Game of Thrones is back for Season 4, which is actually the second half of Book Three, which is why last season ended with what felt more like a scene where Harry Potter breaks his arm playing Quidditch and less like a scene where he lucks into stopping Voldemort. The show has some mighty big shoes to fill, namely its own, as last season’s Red Wedding took the Internet by storm (the Internet apparently having never watched television before).

Obviously, nothing that happened in tonight’s premiere was going to match the severity of last season’s big Stark-slaying. This wasn’t only the first episode of a season of a television, but the first episode of a season of Game of Thrones, a show based off of books, a medium famous for taking a long time to do things. Read more…

“Shut Up, Peeta”- THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE Spoiler Review

Catching Fire Katniss Peeta Effie

The Hunger Games is an international phenomenon but if you somehow haven’t read Catching Fire, then you should know that spoilers lurk past this point, so dust off your daughter’s copy of the book and give it a read before scanning below.

Suzanne Collins’ Hunger Games book series has permeated the international consciousness, which is weird because it is both good and actually about something. Careful study of culture and Facebook statuses tells us that the books that transcend language and are read by tweens and warlords alike are either light, simple, and fluffy (Harry Potter) or boring, boring, and fluffy (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo). The Hunger Games, for all of its leaning on a storytelling structure based on a love triangle, is about revolution, and the overthrow of a government. It is strange that these books are predominantly popular amongst twelve-year-olds, who generally like to think that their government is pretty all right and focus more on the important things, like the next big thing in bra-stuffing technology.

I have read the first two Hunger Games books, after growing weary of answering the question “Where are you from and why haven’t you read The Hunger Games?” with, “From under a rock, why? What are the Hunger Games? Wait—where are you going?”

The first Hunger Games book is a solid adventure and was interesting enough for the second installment to earn a reading. I remember absolutely loving Catching Fire, and don’t really remember much else about it really. Going into this flick was like reading the cliffs notes version of a book I probably enjoyed, if memory serves, which it doesn’t. Most of the good bits are still intact, with only one or two glaring omissions that I could find. There are probably more things missing, but I don’t have time to reread Catching Fire. Too busy rereading those Harry Potter books with the sweet new covers.

But this review isn’t of a book. It is of a movie. And since adaptations have to be more than just a Great Illustrated Classics version of the book, it must be judged on its own merits. So, let’s talk merit. . . Read more…

“Lots of Skinny People Coughing Up Blood”- THE DALLAS BUYER’S CLUB Movie Review

Dallas Buyers Club

In his recent tirade of giving really good performances in really good movies and thus making me regret all those effigies I once made, Matthew McConaughey turns in another hell of a performance in Dallas Buyer’s Club. Read more…

“Something Actually Happened in This One!”- THOR: THE DARK WORLD Review

thor the dark world

There are no spoilers to be found here that can’t be found in the trailers.

The first Thor was hardly even a movie. If we’re going by traditional three act structure, it was two hours of first act, followed by a quick ten minute reprieve of third act. That last bit was a nice break after an entire film of set up for an ending that wouldn’t happen for another 2 years, but hardly served to turn Thor into what we in the ticket-purchasing business would call a “movie.”

Thor: The Dark World seeks to remedy this transgression by doing exactly the opposite. The film’s three screenwriters seem to have as little interest in Exposition in New Mexico as we do, so this sequel takes off at a blistering pace.

Boom, Prologue! Boom, Thor faffing around on Asian Asgard! Academy Award Winning Actress Natalie Portman becomes possessed by cranberry juice! We’re in, we’re out, we’re done, the movie has started everybody! Read more…

HIMYM: The Necessity of Lily Aldrin

Lily Aldrin How I Met Your Mother Wedding Alyson Hannigan

This article be in lieu of me writing about How I Met Your Mother on a weekly basis as I had originally intended.

Even on the shows you love, there are always those characters that you hate. Lost had Miles, who came along too late in the game to be interesting, had a snide remark for absolutely everything, and a snider remark for when you tried to tell him very nicely that we already had a character who could talk to dead people, thank you very much. For Homeland fans, it’s Dana Brody, who interrupts the very interesting pursuit of world-threatening terrorists to bring us the startling story of how she likes a boy. For Breaking Bad fans, this character was often Skylar White, who we didn’t like because she stood in the way of our protagonist, making life more difficult for a man who at one point was fighting off more than one Mexican hitman at once.

For How I Met Your Mother fans, the consensus seems to be that this dead weight is Lily Aldrin (Alyson Hannigan). Read more…

“Don’t You Dare Compare This To Django”- 12 YEARS A SLAVE Movie Review

12 years a slave michael fassbender chewitel ejiofor

12 Years a Slave is a film that only gets better and better as it goes along. What starts off as a slow, heavy-handed depiction of slavery by Paul Giamatti turns steadily into a breath-taking and terrifying depiction of slavery by Michael Fassbender. Gradually, Steve McQueen the filmmaker we loved from Hunger and Shame for his ability to photograph Michael Fassbender starving/ having lots of sex (respectively) winds his way into the true life story of Solomon Northrop (Chewitel Ejiofor), a free and educated black family man from New York who is sold into slavery by a pair of real jerks. One of whom was imported from Saturday Night Live. McQueen shoots the latter, better half of the film in his characteristic long takes, letting the actors unfold as they feel they should, going on until you think there is no way they could possibly keep going and then going on a little longer still. It’s enough to make a film student’s heart flutter. Read more…

The Walking Dead- The Game: Season 2 to Bring the Tears, Puberty

Clementine The Walking Dead Season 2

Telltale’s first The Walking Dead- The Game was an absolute game changer. It repopularized the idea of episodic gameplay, of releasing a game in segments over time like a television show that allows you to mash X periodically. It also brought into the forefront the idea of choice, and that your choices really matter. You were one man, Lee Everett, put in one terrible situation after another. Often, you had to decide to save the life of one person, or save an entirely separate person who would die if you didn’t save them. Read more…

“Lilys Be Trippin’”- How I Met Your Mother Season 9 Episode 4 Review- ‘The Broken Code’

himym season 9 episode 4 the broken code ted barney

We pick up right where we left off this week after the cliffhanger from last week’s episode that I never got around to reviewing (In a nut shell: Solid Ted and Lily story, funny runner with Barney and Robin dodging old people, Marshall needs to get to this goddamn wedding right now).

At first, I was very worried that they were going to do a total cop out of last week’s meaty moment when Barney quickly dismissed Ted, but then it took over the episode and my concerns were assuaged. And replaced them with further concerns. Read more…

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