Top Ten Pet Owners- A Mexican Standoff
In the real world, many perfectly normal, standard people own many perfectly normal, standard pets. Lots of white people with lots of dogs.
But this is the media. The Liberal media. Here, we don’t have WASPs that own pets, we have pet owners who own wasps for pets. Ash Ketchum has elemental rodents. Ozymandias has a strange tiger-moose thing that is probably explained in the comics but I didn’t read that noise.
Keep in mind that these are not the ten best pet caretakers, but really just ten awesome people who happen to own pets…
10) Commander Shepard from the Mass Effect franchise
Commander Shepard (in my game he was blessed with the first name ‘ButtRumpus’) is the savior of the galaxy, defeater of Saren, stormer of the Collector Base, and one of the world’s most irresponsible pet owners. Not counting the robot dog you got for paying far too much to preorder Mass Effect 3, you can choose to have your Shepard care for a space hamster and a series of very killable fish. The fish need to be fed and tended to as if they were real, and unless you’re one of those people who find Tamagotchis to be riveting, your fish will die. However, if you start boinking the incredibly unprofessional ship psychologist, she’ll feed your fish. Once again, Shepard fixes things by simply sexing them.
9) Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons
If there’s one thing that categorically proves quality pet ownership, it’s quantity of pets, and the Cat Lady has dozens of cats under her carefully-groomed care. And think about how much her cats get out and get exercise more-so than those other felines not lucky enough to be thrown repeatedly by their owners.
8) Charlie from Seven Psychopaths
Any pet owner worth their weight in midgets is willing to go on a murderous rampage when their pet goes missing. Charlie takes it one step further by actually doing it. If your dog disappears, you could spend your time putting up posters like a pussy, or you could get out there and try to kill Colin Farrell, dammit. To quote a particularly good line from this Martin McDonagh project, “Peace is for queers.”
7) Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers franchise
All he wanted was some frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads. And he got them dammit. But our favorite Belgian villain also has Mr. Bigglesworth, his noble and dutiful (and eventually hairless) feline. And when he gets unhappy, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset… well, you know. Or at least you should.
6) Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter franchise
Neville is spectacularly bad at pet ownership. He loses his toad Trevor with same frequency with which most of us consume oxygen. After Ron’s pet Scabbers was revealed to be an informant for Voldemort, one could reasonably justify Neville’s incompetence by assuming his toad was actually Grindelwald’s blacksmith or something, but, sadly, no, Neville’s just really bad a shit. Except for cutting the heads off of possessed snakes. He’s pretty good at that. Which actually puts him on the same level with Voldemort in terms of irresponsible pet ownership.
5) Hellboy from Hellboy II: The Golden Army
I chose this particular entry in the Hellboy because it is the literal shiznit. Hellboy, the cat-loving, quip-spitting, beer-slamming such and such that he is, is a fantastic fellow and a real cat lover. But, seriously, if you haven’t seen Hellboy II, you should really, really see Hellboy II.
4) Shaggy from Scooby-Doo
This one is less about quality pet ownership and more about how high profile our boy Shaggy has made his relationship with Scoob. These two are part and parcel, linked together like Donald Duck and his characteristic ass. Whether a teenage cartoon, a young boy and his puppy, or played by Matthew Damn Lillard, Shaggy will always stand as a proud boy and his dog.
3) Daenerys Targaryan from Game of Thrones
Again, this one is less about responsible pet ownership (considering she manages to misplace three damn dragons), and more about the badassness associated with her particular brand of pet ownership (considering her pets are three damn dragons). Every week, Game of Thrones seems to be concerned mostly with giving Daenerys more and more of a formidable band of nipple-less misfits, but who needs it because did I mention she’s currently holding a Poker hand containing three damn dragons?
2) Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I call him a pet owner so as to avoid calling him a slaver. When not teaching the kids important lessons about dietary restrictions and not peeing in your shell, he’s also naming them after Renaissance painters and having them fight a man dressed like a set of knives you can order off of the television. Fueled by vengeance and possessing the innate disadvantage of being a rat, Master Splinter nearly tops this list of cool people who own pets- however, poorly.
1) Jon Arbuckle from Garfield
What places Jon head and shoulders above every other pet owner in recorded history is the knowledge that he doesn’t need that stupid cat. He’s just fine without it. In fact, I would argue that he’s better without it.
Did you click on that link? You really should. It’s a website called “Garfield Minus Garfield” and it’s the greatest place on all the web.
Chekhov’s Gunman is a film and television blog moderated by Kevin Lanigan, a future writer of movies and TV and present writer of a newly-minted Communist Manifesto. You can find him on Twitter if you like Communism. Also, keep checking back here. Every week we have a new one of these Mexican Standoffs and reviews of Community and Game of Thrones. And every other week, we’ll have an essay about film and television. Stay alive! I will find you!