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Prediction and Prophesy- The Amazing Spider-Man 2

electro spider man entertainment weekly cover amazing spider man 2

Welcome to a new feature here on Chekhov’s Gunman where I give any and all of my predictions for upcoming films, TV shows, and Communist Manifestos.

Please do keep in mind that this post is a joke. Just meant for funsies and no offense should be taken by anyone. This is a play on all of the “prediction” posts I see decorate the Internet, and should be taken as such.–KL

Today Entertainment Weekly unveiled its cover for its new issue, which promises to at least mention Amazing Spider-Man 2 within its pages, which is more than I can say for some pseudo-magazines like Time or Newsweek. No one can look upon this photo and not have some kind of violent gut reaction akin to learning about the Bay of Pigs or that time Heimdall in Thor was black. So here’s what, judging from the stellar cover pictured above and other such news surfacing, I think Amazing Spider-Man 2 will be about.

My predictions have become pretty renowned for being true lately after my two pieces on The Lone Ranger you can find here and here.

Please keep in mind that I have only seen the first ten minutes of the first Amazing Spider-Man and after witnessing that stellar bit of filmmaking have no desire to ever finish it.

–Peter Parker becomes a storm chaser

Most people know the young, frequently orphaned Mr. Parker as a newspaper photographer/college student/really annoying romantic lead, but many are unaware to that period in time where he started chasing tornadoes around the Midwest. This is not based on any actual facts, per say, but moreso on the fact that Jamie Foxx appears to be playing a personified thunderstorm. We can now surmise that Foxx’s Electro is not in fact a man gifted with the power of electricity, but a desktop background of a thunderstorm taking on the form of a person. You’d think a scientific mind like Peter’s would want to study this guy for science or at least return him behind the icons on your boss’s computer, but it appears by the look on his mask that he intends to fight him. Things don’t look good for the man that probably should have gone with the flower background instead.

–So Paul Giamatti’s Not Important, Right?

It was a happy day in the life of beloved character actor Paul Giamatti when he was cast in his dream role as little-considered Spidey foe The Rhino. Little did he know that apparently he wouldn’t be important. He hasn’t been featured in any of the strangely-present promotional material so far and isn’t on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, and if you’re not on the cover of Entertainment Weekly than what are you, really? The film already seems overstuffed with Electro and Gwen Stacy and a perfectly-cast Norman Osbourne, so in all likelihood Giamatti will be sidelined by all of the pretty people and continue to be good in every movie he’s ever been in, even as the industry continually treats him like their lame younger brother.

–The Missing Mary Jane Watson

Huge news has been circulating recently regarding the fact that Shailene Woodley, originally cast as Spidey’s primary love interest Mary Jane Watson- a role popularized by Kirsten Dunst in the original trilogy that turned every young man sexist because oh my god will you shut up?!, has been cut from the film, after all of her material had already been filmed. This is a scary prospect, as cutting a major character from the film mid-film is rarely the best idea. It feels sort of like if they had cut Josh Hartnett out of Pearl Harbor mid-film leaving Ben Affleck to fight in a tense love triangle with himself and nobody. One can hope that this transition will be smooth and seamless, but I have a sneaking suspicions there will be one background ginger in short shorts with a crudely Photoshopped newspaper in front of her face in every scene. I anticipate a moment where Paul Giamatti’s Rhino kidnaps this mysterious newspaper lady only to find out that he is still not important in this movie.

–R.I.P Jamie Foxx’s Career. Again.

Jamie Foxx was cool again for, like, a day. But what a day it was! Like John Travolta before him, Foxx got the benefit of a starring role in a Tarantino film to revitalize a floundering career. He could have done anything. He could have been a contender. He could have been somebody. And he chose to the default Windows background. Either that or a supercharged Smurf. Pictures thus far have been pretty inconsistent as to what exactly is going on with this guy’s skin. But one thing is for certain: Oops.

jamie foxx electro

–Emma Stone Will Still Be Good and Andrew Garfield Still Needs Better Material

She’s been killing it since day one. From sex objects in Apatow movies to nice white ladies who get to save all the black people in The Help, Stone has always been on top of her game. Easy A proved that this girl both can carry a movie and is deserving of some really quality material. And Andrew Garfield has been trying his hardest for a long time on projects that have been very unforgiving. He’s saddled in a Spider-Man franchise with mixed reception, and he was the heart of The Social Network, a title and honor which promptly abandoned him. Much like Uncle Ben, who is a dead person but whose legacy and lessons are a bit under-ridden by the fact that Peter was standing up to bullies long before he got his Spider-Man powers but anyway I digress!

So those are my predictions for what might happen in the second installment of a franchise that promises to go on until Sony implodes and loses the rights to Marvel. And, for the record, Spider-Man will not be in Avengers 2 for as many reasons as there are Chitauri.

Chekhov’s Gunman is a film and television blog moderated by Kevin Lanigan, a future writer of movies and TV and current writer of Presidential Pardons to turkeys on Thanksgiving. Be sure to follow on subscribe above using email, and throw your thoughts in the comments below.

Keep looking out for Good Stuff features like this one, a weekly Mexican Standoff, and some of the best movies and TV reviews you’re liable to find anywhere.

You can also find Kevin on Twitter. Or Facebook, if you’re feeling frisky.

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4 thoughts on “Prediction and Prophesy- The Amazing Spider-Man 2

  1. “Please keep in mind that I have only seen the first ten minutes of the first Amazing Spider-Man and after witnessing that stellar bit of filmmaking have no desire to ever finish it”

    Anything you said after this has become invalid… you can’t make comments and assumptions on films you have not seen. TASM making over 700 million worldwide is no chump change

    “Peter Parker becomes a storm chaser”
    Obviously no one has clued you in the fact that this is Ultimate Electro.. NOT Electro with the big yellow star fish on his face.

    “R.I.P Jamie Foxx’s Career. Again.”
    Agaan, you are basing this on what? the movie is not even out.

    “Andrew Garfield Still Needs Better Material”
    How do you know, you did not watch the 1st movie

    “that promises to go on until Sony implodes and loses the rights to Marvel. ”
    It will be a while considering they already announced 3 and 4.

    PS I have seen TASM 5 times and I am not even a Spiderman fan.. or for that matter a Marvel fan.

    • I think what you missed here is that this post is a joke. It’s supposed to be funny and not taken very seriously.

      How could I possibly base any formal, quality opinion off a magazine cover? It’s supposed to be silly. You just interpreted it wrong. But you’re very right: If this were supposed to be serious, it would be crap. But it’s a joke.

    • And, listen, if I wanted to start my own movie studio and announce I’m doing Hellboy III, that certainly does not guarantee that that is every going to happen or that my studio will stay in business when I have no other marketable properties besides Amazing Spider-Man and Adam Sandler films (like Sony).

  2. Pingback: Predictions and Prophesy- The Walking Dead Season 4 | Chekhov's Gunman

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