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Predictions and Prophesy- The Walking Dead Season 4

Daryl The Walking Dead Season 4

P & P is a new favorite feature of mine to do, where I try and surmise what some upcoming piece of media will be about. When a picture surfaces, so do my opinions.

Do try and keep in mind that this is all a joke, a riff on the constant influx of these sorts of articles that decorate the web. I promise this is all in jest. Thought I’d bring this up after my last one received some flack.–KL

The Walking Dead is a show that manages to simultaneously be the most popular thing since Christopher Columbus sliced bread, and a show that is not very good. Flush with weak plotting and prison-sized pacing issues, the show suffers greatly from not having a single character that is likeable or interesting. It is truly a feat of narrative tricky the likes of which we have ever seen. The Walking Dead is the most popular show ever where no one can name a single character they enjoy.

It boggles the mind to discover that not only to people watch the show, but it is quite literally the most popular show on television, counting in DVR ratings and illegal downloads, as we really must nowadays.

I have been with the show since the beginning and have stopped watching it twice with no intentions of ever catching up again. I stopped watching after the second or third episode of Season 2 only to return at the end of the season and discover that I had missed nothing.

Telltale Games’ adaptation of the comic books is phenomenal, but it’s probably needless to say at this point that I’m pretty much done with the show.

That was, UNTIL THE ABOVE PICTURE SURFACED COURTESY OF ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY! Now my position on the show has totally changed and I am anxiously awaiting Season 4 with baited breath and overpriced merchandise purchased off the Internet. This new photo of Daryl dressing as either the guy from Watch Dogs or a resident of Sars-infected Canada has me waiting with baited breath for the next installment of this show that makes the most of an already played-out cultural obsession. Here are my predictions as to what could possibly happen in the upcoming Season 4, premiering eventually.

The Walkers Develop Super Breath

It’s simple: The zombies evolve to the point where they can spread their plague not merely through bite, but just by breathing on their victims. It’s the next logical step, isn’t it? The zombie fad is due for another 28 Days Later-level shake-up, another “zombies can run” type innovation. World War Z tried that by what appears to be turning these zombies into the equivalent of flood water (I have not seen the film, but it appears to be The Day After Tomorrow if you replaced water with people’s dead loved ones). Super breath would add an extra level of tenacity to these shambling beasts, and it would eliminate that dramatic thing where you’re pinned underneath a zombie trying not to let it bite you while waiting for someone who’s actually good at things to shoot if off of you that has become so routine in these zombie epics that you can predict it like rest stops on a highway. So who’s looking forward to Walker Stank?!

Carl Doesn’t Stay in the House

If you were to guess what The Walking Dead were about purely by way of Twitter, you would know two things: Some guy named T-Dawg died, and Carl is frustrating. See, you can tell Carl to “Stay in the house!” all you want, or “Stay with your mother!” or “Stay by the car!” if you’re feeling frisky, but Carl will never do any of those things because Carl is zombie jailbait. I have never seen a child with a death wish quite this strong. This boy wishes to be killed like Aladdin wished for boobies. Now, I, too, would want to be rid of this mortal coil if my mom were obnoxious and my dad a literal crazy person. And now that he killed his own mom after she died in child birth (long story, also spoilers), Carl has less reason to stay in the house than ever before. And you better believe his jonesing for death will only get stronger as our concern for that little bastard weakens.

The End of the Season Will Disappoint You

You can tell it right from the picture. There has never been a season in the history of The Walking Dead that hasn’t made everyone incredibly angry. Even the first season, which boasted one of my favorite pilots of all time, ended with that wet fart CDC stuff that dragged the show down in a facility-wide implosion that was totally an explosion and would have released all of the dangerous chemicals out into the world. I didn’t watch the end of Season 3 myself but I hear that it is butts and that probably not enough people die and the Governor is still probably not nearly hammy enough to make that character work. Seriously, the Governor should chew scenery like tobacco and this guy just seems like that strange pirate lawyer in the St. Louis area.

I hear the second season ends well enough, with the stunning revelation of unveiling something that someone said over a dozen episodes ago, but nothing to write home about. Why you’re writing to your parents about a TV show their grandchildren have probably already told them all about is your own damn business, but there you have it.

Daryl Will Still Be Everyone’s Favorite

Because, like, who else would it be? Glenn? Does Glenn even have a name?

So, that’s it. Those are my thoughts. Feel free to yell at me down in the comments and tell me about how you didn’t understand the joke.

Chekhov’s Gunman is a film and television blog moderated by Kevin Lanigan, a future writer of movies and TV, and current writer of adaptations of Breaking Bad in the style of William Shakespeare. Be sure to follow or subscribe above by email!

Keep coming back for some more of this Good Stuff, plus a weekly Mexican Standoff, and frequent movie reviews and regular coverage of The Bridge all summer long.

Also follow Kevin on Twitter.

Oh, look! Shane’s dead! Did I like him? I’m certainly going to pretend that I did.

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