Predictions and Prophesy- Comic Con 2013 Photos Edition
This weekend was the big annual San Diego Comic Con, a time and place where movie and TV studios release promotional photos for their stuff in the hopes that people might care about Godzilla again. There were a ton of pictures to sift through this week, so I’ve picked out the cream of the crop and I’ll see if I can deduce what’s these things are going to be about.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Cobie Smulders is quite the lucky actress. She’s only really played two parts: Wonderful Canadian newswoman Robin Scherbatsky on How I Met Your Mother, and S.H.I.E.L.D. badass Maria Hill in last year’s The Avengers. (Fun Fact: I refuse to type “S.H.I.E.L.D.” with the periods anymore). And as How I Met Your Mother enters its ninth and final season, it seems like Smulders is going to implement what we in the business call a “Patented Cover-Your-Ass Maneuver.”
But what does this spell for the fledgling series, debuting on ABC this fall? As we all remember from The Avengers, Maria Hill is a character famous for crashing a truck and I think talking to Thor once? Maybe? There are about a dozen characters in that film, almost all of which are more important if a bit less foxy than Smulders’ Maria Hill and none of them but The Hulk are ever given much to do.
Fans of the comics might remember Hill as the spearheader of the Superhero Registration Act arc, and cooler people might remember her from the movie where she crashed a truck and almost definitely talked to Thor at least once. Since I hold “Well, But This Happened in the Comics” in about as high a regard as the mud on my boots or people who post about politics on Facebook, I actually encourage Whedon and company to do whatever the hell they want with Maria Hill. Make her fly for all I care. Make her flying Robin Scherbatsky who doesn’t care about superhero registration and cares far more about calling Thor a “hoser.” I swear that scenes exists somewhere…
Man of Steel 2, featuring Batman ft. Pitbull ft. Lil Wayne
This seems to be the big news of the Con this year. Not only is the sequel to this year’s hugely successful and largely not very good Superman flick Man of Steel on track as planned, but it will also be featuring Batman. Only a year after Nolan’s Batflix took a well-earned and critically-divisive eternal rest and Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned out to be Robin but also kinda-sorta not Robin, Batman has been announced to be returning to our multiplexes very quickly indeed.
The nature of Batman’s role in this film has been largely unexplored as of yet. Judging by the Dark Knight Returns quote read at the panel, we may see Batman fighting against the Last Son of Krypton Loosely Seen Through Shakey Cam. Personally, I think, if we are judging only by the photo posted above, that this movie is going to be far more erotic than most people are assuming.
Just look at that photo.
This will not be a battle, but a movie depicting a lonesome and beaten Superman standing proudly but lonely in the void of space as a noble and much less pointy Batman than we’re used to appears from behind, slowly draping his strong but comforting wings around his shoulders, telling him in a harsh whisper that everything is going to be all right as the two of them hold each other gently in the cold blackness of space and everyone pays $12 to see it at least twice because maybe the first time was a joke, right? That movie sounds way better than the one we got.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Catching Fire is the second film in a franchise that will go on forever if we let it. Each book will be subdivided into seven equal parts, each a lot more boring than they would be together because there is a reason we cut parts out of books when we turn them into movies in the first place, people.
The first film, The Hunger Games, was a film about teenagers killing each other in the name of the Class System, and, if you pay attention only to the camerawork, takes place entirely either on a boat or inside an active washing machine. The second book in the film series appears to be about Katniss and Peeta taking on God.
Apparently after being very mad about her friend dying and having to kill a lot of people in the last book/film (a fact that is never really talked about at any length), Katniss decides to put Peeta out of his misery already, the poor little bugger, and sets him off as a quest to get their friends back. After making out with Thor’s brother for a while and discovering that he’s even more poorly-defined than the last boy, she will take her own life and join Peeta in his crusade to bring down the vengeful and magnificent God of this tween fiction saga. If The Golden Compass can get made, so can The Girl From Silver Linings Playbook Makes Us All Atheists.
Either that, or they go on tour with Pink Floyd. Actually, that sounds way more fun. Let’s go with that one.
There’s also another blonde guy, who looks like Michael Fassbender melded with a bleaching pen.
Grab-bag Prediction: Woody Harrelson won’t do anything in this one either.
Guardians of the Galaxy
Besides Edgar Wright’s Ant-Man, this is the comic book film I am most eagerly anticipating. Not only is the cast maybe the most eclectic and diverse I’ve ever seen assembled (everyone from Parks and Recreation’s Chris Pratt to John C. Reilly to Benicio del Toro to WWE superstar Batista has come to play ball), but the film comes from James Gunn, a wonderful director of a film where Rainn Wilson dressed up like a superhero and beats people to death with a wrench for cutting in line at a movie theatre. How could you not be absolutely pumped for this to come out?
This particular picture doesn’t give away much of the plot, except for maybe a situation where we find out that Rocket Raccoon is going to be played by Keyser Soze.
Chekhov’s Gunman is a film and television blog moderated by Kevin Lanigan, a future writer of movies and TV and current writer of Batman/Superman slash fiction (apparently). Be sure to subscribe or follow above for more predictions, and comment below with how I got everything wrong.
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Holy Latent Homosexuality, Batman!