The Possibilities Now that China Controls Hollywood
Long has there been the idea that “The Jews control Hollywood,” uttered in the sleep of every anti-Semitic businessman currently trying to make his living by making us pay to see Johnny Depp act out his midlife crisis on screen. Well, those unhappy people need worry no longer! It seems as if China is going to own the town soon enough.
Guillermo del Toro’s wonderful Pacific Rim was that rarest of birds: A mega-budget film not previously based on a comic book, video game, or Communist Manifesto. It also flopped dramatically at the box office. It opened with no major stars and no 60 years of backstory the fans can get really mad that you changed. It was doomed right out of the gate. It seemed as if we’d just have to let this one die… until it opened in China.
Pacific Rim opened this past Wednesday in theatres all over China, delighting children of all ages because they were smart enough to embrace it and spend their money in a proper way, and was the largest Chinese opening in Warner Bros. history, beating out Nolan’s Batman films and even the massive Harry Potter franchise. And now it seems as if we may get a Pacific Rim sequel after all. China’s massive opening may have made the Brothers Warner reconsider, as it seems del Toro and writer Travis Beacham are prepping a pitch for a second film as we speak.
This is, of course, wonderful news for fans of the film that all of the rest of the kids in your high school ignored, and could spell big news for del Toro moving on his way to becoming a David Fincher-level industry powerhouse. It’s also bad news for people like me who think the first film was enough and that a sequel would kind of spoil that nice bow ending we got at the end of the picture, but who cares, because now China controls Hollywood. We all knew this was coming. The Departed prophesied this all the way back in 2006, and now I’m inclined to believe everything Martin Sheen says, ever.
It’s been said that China pulled a few strings in the making of Iron Man 3, and now it seems as if their sphere of influence may grow. As a would-be screenwriter, I’m preparing a list of films I can whip up and pitch to our new Chinese overlords that should hopefully appease them:
—I, Robabe: Seth Middlestein (Seth Rogen) is a single man down on his luck because China has five million more men than it has women. Tired of striking out with the one woman he’s ever met, Seth creates a robot that’s way out of his league (Kate Beckinsale) and begins to date her because he’s funny I guess even though he’s a huge dick and that kind of cancels out his punch lines. Fighting against a prudish society and the limitations of human intercourse, Seth and Robabe pursue their romance to the bitter end.
—Red, White, and Blue Dawn: It’s like Red Dawn, but the U.S. invades China. The Chinese are going about their day as usual (having breakfast, going to work, attending school in Colorado), when a bunch of U.S. paratroopers (Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Phillipe, just about any Ryan will do) cascade down from the sky and start firing rocket launchers at teenagers because capitalism is bad. The original Red Dawn is a classic, the product of a mind who legitimately believed that Cuba was about to invade us at a moment’s notice, and this could be the ultimate piece of soapy, over-the-top action China needs to begin a long train of boring rip-off action flicks they originally undermined by watching Pacific Rim.
—The Smurfs: These guys are already Communist. Just replace Neil Patrick Harris with Chow Yun-Fat and we’re in the money. Three sequels and many instructional children’s books to follow.
—Chinese School Musical!: No singing. All studying. Somehow Zac Efron is still in it.
—Pacific Rim 2-7: They’ll keep making these puppies until del Toro dies or they somehow run out of cool robots to fight cool monsters. Maybe in the Chinese version the really cool Chinese Jaeger with three arms will get to fight for more than a second before it gets smashed to hell. But probably not. I’m betting China is wanting to kill off its men as fast as possible.
Welcome, new Chinese studio executives! I am available for hire.
Chekhov’s Gunman is a film and television blog moderated by Kevin Lanigan, a future writer of movies and TV and current writer of contest over on WhatCulture.com. Be sure to comment below with your praise of China, and follow or subscribe above.
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I’m sorry for eating all that fake Chinese food. Panda Express is an abomination…