Chekhov's Gunman


JURASSIC WORLD is the Stupidest Movie I Have Ever Seen. I Liked It. – Movie Review

Jurassic World Chris Pratt Raptor Friends

There are probably no spoilers ahead.

You have to admire a movie that, at every juncture possible, makes the stupidest decision it possibly can. In a more logical, cohesive film, many of the moments in Jurassic World would stand out as odd choices for its characters to make. In Jurassic World, these are incremental steps on the ladder of stupidity on which these characters find themselves. To commit so fully and so completely to being so stone dumb is an act of true heroism.

In a normal movie like Fargo or Cabin in the Woods, Bryce Dallas Howard (whose character’s name I do not know and refuse to look up) running away from dinosaurs over and over again without once thinking to remove her high heels would be a movie-shattering breaking of the bounds of human stupidity. In Jurassic World, one does not bat an eye that Bryce would choose three inch heels as her getaway shoe of choice and that upon being called out on this not being the right footwear for the occasion would choose to respond by ripping open her shirt. In Jurassic World, two separate action sequences can end with dinosaurs backing up to the same enclosure to be eaten by the same hidden dinosaur in the same way and you’re not supposed to notice or care. In Jurassic World, a teenager can tell his kid brother to stop worrying about their parents’ divorce because he “has to grow up some time” and then give his brother no less than three “I Will Protect You” speeches before the credits roll. There is a character in Jurassic World whose last words are “It has camouflage!” Such is the bizarre universe of Jurassic World, where anything is possible because the truly stupid do not hold themselves to the same standards as we normies.

Dinosaur God bless Chris Pratt (whose character’s name I do not know and refuse to look up), who seems capable of being good in anything. The fact that he can deliver sentences like “Depends on what kind of dinosaur y’all cooked up in that lab” and make it sound only kind of like the stupidest thing I have ever heard is an act of Oscar-worthy mastery of craft.

The shadow of Jurassic Park (both the park and the film) hangs heavy and dark over the dunce-capped Jurassic World. Early in the film, Jake Johnson’s control room technician (whose name I do not know and blah blah blah) comes in wearing a vintage Jurassic Park t-shirt that he bought on eBay. Bryce tells him to take it off, and Jake might if Bryce just admits how legit “the original Jurassic Park was.” Later on, Chris Pratt says in his folksy Southern accent, “The old Jurassic Park didn’t need modified dinosaurs to get people’s attention.” We get it, movie. You don’t like being compared to Jurassic Park. And you know what? I agree with you. I don’t think sequels should have to stand up against their originals. Especially sequels to Jurassic Park. Movies as good as Jurassic Park don’t come along all the time or even some of the time. A film with that level of iconography and staying power is rare. Could you imagine if we compared all movies to Jurassic Park? We would never like any movies. “Yah know, honey, I liked Inception but it’s nowhere near the original Jurassic Park.”

If you can get on board with Jurassic World’s silly rowboat to nowhere, then you might just have the same brain nap of a good time that I did.

You can follow Kevin on Twitter here and check out his podcast Talking Back to the Movies right here.


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