“Bastards are Bastards”- Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 4 Review- ‘And Now His Watch Has Ended’

The review is written by someone who hasn’t read the books so, you know, don’t judge…

Tonight was a lot about character deepening. There was some other cool stuff, too, like killings and dragon attacks and DRAGON ATTACKS, but mostly there was a lot of time spent in the way of intimate monologues. Lots and lots of monologues.

Long periods of talking at people is perhaps not the most eloquent way to expound character depth, but it’s also not the worst way when the dialogue is this good.

As usual, we’re going to break down this episode character by character, and, at the end, we’re going to crown tonight’s winner…

Jamie and Brienne in “A Highly Inaccurate Pep Talk”

Good to see that the “Previously On” covered everything I missed last week in regards to the Behanding in Westeros (that’s an obscure reference if there ever was one). And, yeah, it was about as cool as I could have wanted.

Jamie is kinda down-on-his-luck at this point, and I feel he’s justified in that. No matter how much Brienne treats him like he’s a sad guy in a romantic comedy, he has lost something significantly more important to conquering a kingdom than a relationship with Zooey Deschanel.

Her speech was inspiring and all, but I feel it’s a trifle off-base to totally rail into someone moping over the loss of something as vital as a sword hand. But if it gets Jamie off of his ass and into the battle for the crown, then gorammit, Brienne, keep being a terrible person.

Suggested Hand Replacements: That thing Wormtail gets in Goblet of Fire, Boxing Glove on a Spring, A Sword.

Varys: We’re still talking about that kid’s penis?

Whoa! Whooooooooa!

Varys got really dark, really fast. I had always liked him, but Jeezum Crow I had… What the?! He’s one of three people I’m putting in the running for tonight’s winner….

That being said, we’re still talking about Game of Thrones’ Superbad subplot? I mean, it’s funny to have these very serious negotiators discuss dicks, but that’s what we’re spending our time on? I really hope this is building to something, because right now it just feels like it’s eating up time in a show that is already over-stuffed. We could have spent more time What The Fucking with the Night’s Watch if we weren’t discussing the sexual prowess of various servants.

What The Fucking with The Night’s Watch

Good to see they’ve wrapped that up, and in such a conclusive way. I was never much of a fan of Incest Claus and his gaggle of daughters, so to see Papa taken out was a nice way to get him out of my life. Now we just have to deal with the White Walkers’ mandatory sacrifice of penis babies…

And the upheaval! Whoa! So much whoa tonight!

This is a prime example of how you really need to pay attention to every bloody character on this show, even those mostly featured as background characters. The Watch was overthrown tonight by two men I hardly recognized and now this. Just. Got. Real. The Watch just turned into the conspiracy episode of Community and it was awesome.

Also, Jon Snow wasn’t around tonight, and I didn’t miss him…

Bran Stark and his Stupid Dreams

I am against dreams as a way of storytelling, and Bran’s time on this show has been spent primarily in dreams, which is dumb.

That being said, his dream brought us a glimpse of Catelyn tonight, so consider Bran’s ten seconds of screen time worth it.

What the Fucking with Theon

This is the second character tonight I’ve been tempted to open with “Whoa! Whooooooooa!”

After Theon gave a beautiful monologue about envy and classism and about how I now finally care about the things that are happening to him, he got so thoroughly screwed over that I, just—What?! Oh! Ah! This is as much as I can articulate right now!

I had a theory that he got screwed over after confessing that he feels he made the wrong choice in loyalty and this was payback, but then I remembered that he gave that confession right outside of the torture room, so now I just think it happened because Ramsay Bolton’s an aaaaaaass.

But, my earlier questions still stand as to how long Theon was down there being crucified. He seems to have been down there for a while, but Season 3 picks up right in the wake of Season 2 so hell if I know… Just seems like a weird lack of congruence from Remember Everything: The Show.

Contestant #2 in for Tonight’s Winner.

Cersei

Oh, Cersei. My dear, dear, crazy Cersei. Good work tonight. Your hopefully future Emmy nomination will be much-deserved. The Game of Thrones universe is a tough universe for women, but it’s filled with beautiful, wonderful women.

Contestant #3.

Also, it’s still weird for see Tywin without Arya, so I can only hope he jumps nobly to save her from her current terrible predicament with the Brotherhood without Banners.

Arya’s Current Terrible Predicament with the Brotherhood without Banners

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

The Brotherhood have been my favorite new additions this year, and their proper use of men with eye patches only increases my affection for them. Eye patches are such a valuable resource, and one mined often enough by primetime television to suit my tastes. The Walking Dead seems to be the only other show trying and they are just simply not doing it right.

Remember Everything: The Show hit twice tonight with the comeuppance of the Hound’s murder of the butcher’s son back from the early episodes of the series. And that fight is going to be awesome.

Margaery. Sweet, sweet Margaery.

Margaery (whose name I believe I am finally spelling right, damning George R. R. Martin and his ridiculous power trip with spelling) has fast become one of my favorite characters on the show, and I think I have finally figured out why.

Margaery is the audience. She is doing everything that we the audience want her to do. As much as I love Joffrey, she seems to be trying to turn him into an actual leader, as opposed to the malevolent Stark-monger he has become. We want to see Joffrey calmed and she is doing that.

We also want to see Sansa taken care of and she is doing a fine job at that. Keep going, Margaery!

Tonight’s Winner: Daenerys Unchained

How is there any way she could not have won tonight? By Jove, I think she’s got it…

I never expected this negotiation with The Worst Dude Ever to end any other way, but seeing it was still one of the most awesome things I could have wanted. Fire! Slaves! People in bathrobes being stabbed!

Daenerys sections seem to be really tops this season, and I think it’s partially due to the fact that so much of this show takes place at night in cold places and her sections seem to exist in a land perpetually bathed in sun.

Is it strange to anyone else that her dragons don’t have names yet? I don’t mind. It’s nice to have three less pieces of nomenclature to keep track of on this show, and knowing George R. R. Martin’s naming habits we’d be dealing with even more strange combinations of “ae” and superfluous “y’s,” I just find it odd that we’re not dealing with Yae, Aey, and Yaey, the Firebreathers of Qarth.

So, yeah, Danny totally won tonight.

And how is she not already Queen?

A-

Chekhov’s Gunman is a film and TV blog moderated by Kevin Lanigan, a future writer of awesome movies and television and current writer of jingles for spandex commercials. Keep checking back here for weekly reviews of Game of Thrones and Community, our weekly Mexican Standoff, and the Good Stuff.

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